Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you

   I asked a question and this kid said "GOOGLE IT".....You and this Dammmm Google everything Generation!....If the power was to ever cut off, we are so in trouble!

   Whoever invent Hallway Swimming....go Twerk a HarlemShake sit down and Plank your Owls self somewhere! -

   All these people sending prayers to OK. I feel so silly. I only sent money and donated blood.

   Stay in drugs, eat your school, and don't do vegetables

   Hello Miss I shave my eyebrows off and draw them back on about an inch to high !!!! Yeah that looks good if your going for the shocked look!!!!

   Ya know, "American Pie" ruined it for any kid who really did have an amazing story about band camp.

   If you die and wake up in hell, at least you know you did earth right!

   You know you fat when you use cheat codes for Wii Fit.

   If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.

   The Three Up's in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut

   My quest for greatness has turned into a blind fumble for ok.

   If Mama Cass gave Karen Carpenter the ham sandwich she chocked on, they both would be alvive today!

   There's a baseball team named the Giants (San Francisco), a football team named the Giants (New York)...yet there's no basketball team named the Giants...when in fact, basketball players ARE GIANTS!

   The only thing to fear is fear itself. Also: -Zombies. -Velociraptors. -Unwanted pregnancy. -The Hamburglar. -Spiders. -Madonna's arms.

   I wonder if the people who jerk off to anime p 0rn cry the entire time, or just after

   My stepfather doesn't know it, but he owns the world record for eating the most jizz sandwiches in a year.

   Found: One nose, stuck deeply in my business. Claim at your own risk. (I dare you)

   If I did road work I'd be that guy, the one who's leaning on his shovel and looks concerned while the other guys did all the work.

   I guess the Government will be working to ban tornadoes now