Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   UPS delivery guys don't like it when you go up to their truck and order an ice cream sandwich and a bomb pop.

   Babies are the 2 extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.

   I hate when babies wear really baggy diapers and try to act all street.

   You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.

   I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.

   Someone should check on Tyler Perry. He hasn't released a movie in like a week.

   my opinion is brought to you by the letter "F" & the letter "U"

   Finishing the Monday after vacation is like when Nick Wallenda's feet hit the ground after crossing the Grand Canyon on the Skywire

   Remember,,,, there is no I in denial

   It's hilarious how sensitive people get when you ignore them....ON FACEBOOK!

   I put apple juice in a spray bottle to use on some ribs. I sprayed it in my mouth.... Cups are now ridiculous to me.

   "We're losing her." -sanity

   i'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now

   I hate it when I am mistaken for someone who cares about your problem.

   tatoos must be expensive because everyone with them doesn't seem to have any money left...

   Attention nobodys...I'm not going to "follow" you on fb....unless you're Marilyn Monroe brought back to life.

   Dear wierdo at the grocery store who bought up all the Twinkies as an "investment". Bad news, they will be back on shelves July 15th. Sorry that didn't wory out for you. Don't lose hope, maybe those Elvis Presley commerative plates will still pay off.

   I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can't wait to show them to my wife!!

   All my updates this past weekend were super updates. I'm back to my regular updates now...

   It is what it is and that's all that it is...excet when it isn't, then it's not.