Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life pro tip #366: Never make a midnight snack in the dark. A peanut butter and salsa sandwich taste exactly how it sounds...

   Woo hoo, camouflage condoms. They will never see me cumming.

   I was a little embarrassed today......Didn't find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

   Today is National Lobster day and I guess that makes it a good day to be a bit shellfish.

   it normal to be out of breath when eating three Burrito Supremes?

   My grandma is 80% Irish. People call her Iris.

   when I donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

   A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire ~ the guy in front of me, apparently

   I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

   Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

   Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

   I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

   We live in a time where smart people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

   Have you ever smelled moth balls? How did you get their little legs apart?

   Dear "60 Minutes": Your stopwatch actually measures 60 seconds. But nice try ;

   If you raise your children, you spoil your grand kids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grand kids.

   "?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA" - reverse psychology

   It's not too late to start convincing our grandchildren that the world really did end in 2012 and we're the survivors.

   My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the couch in April and have grown bigger ever since

   You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.