Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got health insurance again! I get to go to a english speaking doctor

   Ask.com is useless.... they have no idea where I put the remote either.

   While looking around at Babies R Us I noticed....Boobs are to men what Fisher-Price stacking rings are to babies. They feel good, are fun to play with, and always wind up in the mouth.

   I decided to see how I looked with a beard. I didn't like it at first but it's growing on me.

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the racoons and squirrels that it can be done.

   1965-2008: Minorities should be able to vote. 2008, 2012: Black guy elected president. 2013: Let’s rethink that voting rights thing...

   used to go to random weddings back in the day just to put a picture of his junk on every disposable camera.

   I hope all you Heat fans are enjoying this weather! This is what you wanted.

   Wondering how much I owe Columbia House on those Use your illusion tapes :/

   What's this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?

   That uneasy moment when you cant remember if you like her, miss her, hate her, love her, if you know her...

   Paula Dean will be on The Today Show on Wednesday to talk about her scandal and she will share her new recipes of food coverings for your foot before you stick it into your mouth.

   If you're going to get all religious on me, I will post college pictures of you drunk...

   Making love is just a fancy way of saying missionary.

   Apparently it isn’t chivalry if you’re in the ladies’ washrooms and you open doors to the stalls for them.

   Recipes are stupid. What the hell is 2 parts of water?

   Never really had the time to lick girl's faces to know my taste in women.

   Hate yourself, leave the rest of us alone.

   What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.

   Facebook keeps offering to find my friends for me. Good luck, Facebook! See if you can find my dad while you're at it.