Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please donate to my gofundme to replace the laptop I threw across the room in anger after my last gofundme failed

   Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

   You never think it’ll happen to you and then boom, you get catfished by an empty box of donuts.

   When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

   You don't need to attend every argument you are invited to...

   Time for Joe to resign in disgrace.

   I enjoy walking in a convenience store and having the cashier ask if I got gas. “No…just a little indigestion!”

   I whipped off her bloomers 'n stiffened my thumb an' applied rotation on her sugar plum. - Frank Zappa

   Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

   If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

   What they need in Afghanistan is Larry the Kabul Guy. He'd git 'er done.

   "A message from all delivery drivers" If there are no numbers of your house you need to address that.

   Everyone who blamed Trump for everything, are suddenly not blaming Biden for anything.

   screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

   I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

   Mowing your lawn on edibles and having those flying grasshoppers coming at you like kamikaze pilots every 2 feet is something.

   I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

   Pessimism is just another word for pattern recognition.

   I want my 72 hours of my life back that I wasted on Mike Lindell' ridiculous symposium.

   Inquiring minds want to know: Is the pride flag still flying over the US Embassy in Kabul?