Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I see a guy wearing a man bun and a mask, walking into a store. I like to hold the door open, establish dominance.

   I wear a mask. I'm vaccinated. You other inbreds our there in the midwest driving around your pickup trucks with 3 teeth and a mullet can contract the virus, spread it to your family and have the whole lot of them cease to breathe.

   Vaccines are bad, but horse dewormers are good!

   this can't be the same brain I was using to read 450 page novels in 3 days during middle school

   I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

   Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

   Make Tuesday fun at work today........If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

   My wife and I got in a car accident today. She was behind the wheel driving, and I was on the outside of the car getting hit by it.

   I put my symptoms into WebMD and found out I've started menopause.

   I once dated a girl in college with only four toes on each foot. She was kind of cute but the relationship never went anywhere because I'm lack-toes intolerant.

   I'm on a new diet where I eat nothing but wildebeest meat. It's called Gnutrisystem.

   If you sit behind me honking your horn for letting a car into traffic I'm going to super polite and wait to let the next five cars to pull out into traffic as well.

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you can bang his wife every weekend.

   Ashli Babbit on vaccines: "I got my shot, now go get yours".

   Covid vaccine now FDA approved. You can shut your pie hole now and get the jab. Oh, you won't? You were lying? Shocker.

   I find it humorous that all of a sudden people care about the Afghanistan people. God, humans are so hypocritical.

   I bet the people who voted for Biden are turning over in their graves

   Just got another text from my ex-wife saying "wish you were here" she does this every time she walks pass a cemetery

   "If you don't stop picking at that thing it will never heal." -Sound medical advice or an insult to a banjo player

   Money can't buy you happiness, but being poor can't buy you anything.