Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.” ~ Mark Twain

   Florida has had 119 hurricanes since 1850, but this latest one was due to climate change.

   How can you tell that the truth is being told? When Facebook blocks it, Twitter deletes it, Google hides it, Youtube bans it, the media censor it, and the government forbids it.

   FDA approved does not mean scientifically proven. It means that a business deal has been made.

   One good thing about being a Amazon delivery driver is you can impress women by telling them your company provides you with a Mercedes-Benz.

   As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

   n't it ironic that I have to use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive?

   I know words, I know the best words.

   There are three sides to every argument: Your side, the other guy's side, and the correct side.

   Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

   Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

   I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

   Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.

   Some day Rick Astley will die and no one will dare click on the headline.

   Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED. Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

   Got fired from my job today for being high at work and also for being, and I quote “Not a real gynaecologist”

   i admire how when babies dont want to hold something anymore they just drop it

   Just joined Anonymous Anonymous. This time I'm serious about breaking my addiction to hacking government websites.

   why does my Pirates of the Caribbean CD have a Piracy warning. I think it goes without saying right?

   A group of 25 people all huddled yelling You're a sheep as I walk into the store and put my mask on. And ask me for a beer as I walk out. Baaaah NOPE!