Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me to husband: To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume we got for Halloween.

   I'll never understand why people admires behavior in a grown man that they would hate to see in a toddler.

   Nobody loses an election like Trump...nobody. Nobody knows more about it. He's the stable genius of losing over and over again. You wouldn't believe it.

   Cruises: Floating Golden Corrals with drunk people.

   Why is it that the people who are the loudest about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?

   A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

   efore kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

   I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

   got thrown out of a casino last night... apparently I completely misunderstood the crap table!

   I dont want to say the economy is getting bad under Joe, but I drove by the former Chucky Cheese which is now called "chucky government cheese"

   The problem isn’t government assistance for people who need it. The problem is government assistance for people just because they can get it.

   I had two naps today but every time I wake up I'm still at work.

   I was going to tell you a joke about covid 19 but 99% of you won’t get it......

   Fell down on the treadmill just now, got ice cream everywhere.

   "I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol."

   I hate two-faced people. It's so hard to decide which face to slap first.

   Cruises: Like being on house arrest with midnight buffets.

   Wondering why I have a belly button, but not being able to imagine life without one

   Some people spend a fortune so they can circle the world. Others drink Beer so the world circles around them.

   Take note... the people who unabashedly support Drumpf can't spell, can't form a coherent sentence and have no idea how to interpret facts and statistics.