Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently, “the vibes are off” isn’t a good enough excuse to leave work early.

   They should just make the Tupperware spaghetti colored right there at the factory.

   What’s the difference between an airplane and the US? The plane’s left wing isn’t trying to crash it into the dirt.

   Elon Musk should change Twitter's name to MySpaceX.

   CNN+ didn't even last as long as a Kardashian marriage.

   Border Security Idea: Just Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

   Every Adele song is about lasagna.

   A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm. So I peed on her

   There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

   My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me

   FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 12 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

   My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

   Just because your p*ssy's wet doesn't mean it's good. Trash bags leak too

   Just because your p*ssy's wet doesn't t mean it's good. Trash bags leak too.

   Whenever I hear someone say, “my therapist said,” my ears perk way up. That’s free therapy.

   “I got hairy legs that turn blond in the sun.” Nurse: Sure Joe, let’s go sign some more executive orders.

   Elon Musk has offered to buy CNN+ for $50.00

   Dad: You have your mother’s eyes. Me: (huge black eye)

   According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you’re actually a few million years late. The star is dead, just like your dreams.

   At Pet Smart teaching all the parrots to say, Fu!c Joe Biden.