Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a guy in Germany He said, 'Cut it out.'

   Alien: I found this, (picks up cat) it’s vibrating.

   Stop killing mountains to make Mountain Dew!

   Gun owners: when they hear someone breaking in at 2:00am.

   Him: The doctor says if I don’t receive nudes I’ll die! Her: Damn, that’s crazy.

   Her: My God! Where did you learn to use those fingers? Him: (picking a boogie)

   HR explaining to me that smoke breaks are for nicotine use only.

   Bezos: Heard you’re buying Twitter. Musk: Amazon is next. Bezos: Bruh… Musk: (add to cart)

   Apparently, “the vibes are off” isn’t a good enough excuse to leave work early.

   They should just make the Tupperware spaghetti colored right there at the factory.

   What’s the difference between an airplane and the US? The plane’s left wing isn’t trying to crash it into the dirt.

   Elon Musk should change Twitter's name to MySpaceX.

   CNN+ didn't even last as long as a Kardashian marriage.

   Border Security Idea: Just Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

   Every Adele song is about lasagna.

   A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm. So I peed on her

   There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

   My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me

   FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 12 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

   My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.