Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj jump off the Empire State Building. Who hits first?......Who cares?

   R.I.P. Lou Reed... hope you're now taking a walk on the wild side....

   My internet connection failed all afternoon and I had to open a book and read it ...like a wild animal.

   When the apocalypse comes soy sauce & ketchup packets WILL be our currency. Otherwise I've been collecting these for nothing

   I'm an adult, but not "pay my bills on time" adult.

   As long as I can still scare white folks, I'm not a sellout.

   A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.

   Life is just better when you're laughing.

   son, I checked your internet history the other day. it was completely empty, which can only mean one thing. why don't you use the internet?

   If Jesus did jokes and not parables he’d probably have more than 12 followers.

   I question guys right in the middle of sex, like: 'Are you enjoying this? Have I been courteous & kind? Would you recommend me to a friend if we ever break up?'

   Doc: Do you sleep with your contacts? Me: Only the pretty ones.

   A CIVIL war is where people are nice and polite to each other “Excuse me kind sir, would you mind having your head chopped off?”

   I don't understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.

   To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.

   Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?

   Join the rev al sharpton and boycott Barney's

   I still stand by my "always judge a man by his neck tattoos" theory.

   It's so cold out that politicians have their hands in their own pockets for a change!

   If you want guys to get involved in causes, give them some motivation.... "This year's united way 5k includes a BJ from a stripper"