Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Imagine an e-mail finding you well.

   If I ever go missing and someone puts my real weight on the poster, I’m not coming back.

   If smoking is so bad, why does it cure salmon.

   I have felt guilty for no reason since I was like 8 years old.

   Elon Musk has given a whole new meaning to the term Flipping the Bird.

   Platypuses are the only animals that produce both eggs and milk, making them portable sources of omelets

   Calm down museum man. I think it’s obvious I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

   I’ll go to bed soon. I just want to read like 4 more things that make me furious.

   If we get invaded by space aliens, I’m immediately defecting to the alien side, sorry.

   Ripping the little panties off a Reese’s is the most erotic thing you can do in your 50’s.

   Twitter employees are in a panicked full blown public meltdown.

   People are running away from Netflix and Disney by the millions. Go woke, go broke.

   Elon Musk should be awarded the Gold Medal of Freedom.

   Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mother only carries one photo, because if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.

   I like my coffee how I like my magic.

   I have Borderline Personality Disorder. My personality becomes disordered when illegals cross our borderline.

   Bricks are just domesticated rocks

   The bird, the bird, the bird is the word!

   Johnny Depp doesn't need to wear a mask in court because he has Heard immunity.

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your clothes dryers have a Fold cycle? Come on. It's 2022 for chrissake. Work on that.