Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I PASSED THE BAR!!!! So proud of myself, I really wanted to get a shot of tequila but I just passed it and kept on walking.

   Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

   Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness Me: lying on my resume probably

   Stonehenge was just a failed Neolithic game of Jenga

   My wife spilled iced coffee in her lap and asked if I’d like some pumpkin spice twatte.

   Recipes should include photos of the mess you have to clean up afterwards.

   Someone told me that they had a little seizure and I had to resist saying pizza, pizza.

   Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Juliette Oscar Echo Bravo India Delta Echo November.

   Exercising is basically hurting yourself until you build up an immunity to hurting yourself.

   Starting a new job feels like you’re a new character on the ninth season of a tv show.

   October is about trees revealing colors they’ve hidden all year. People have an October as well.

   The only thing better than being wh¡te, is being wh¡te AND Italian. Buona festa di Cristoforo Colombo.

   Instead of talking about who isn't paying their fair share of taxes, let's talk about where all of our taxes are being spent.

   The latest dose of social media insanity comes to us via the TikTok inspired 'Slap A Teacher' Challenge. Good ol' TikTok... where never before has the Lowest Common Denominator been so well represented.

   Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.

   I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

   “You know who else briefly went offline this week?” -Youth pastor

   I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

   Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

   Dr. House would’ve solved this covid crap in 20 minutes flat.