Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Be yourself"? Don't tell me what to do! I'm gonna be someone else! Because that's who I am! Wait... What?

   Vegans have an issue with killing animals, but are a-ok when it comes to abortion.

   Each family member of a gunned down individual gets 24 hours with the culprit, they can't kill him, but they are allowed to water-board him, jam bamboo under his fingernails, you get the idea....Deterrent

   Please be careful. You may have Monkeypox and not realize it. You could be a-chimptomatic.

   I don't like to brag about expensive trips I go on but that last trip to the gas station really cost me.

   The key to happiness? Stay away from idiots.

   Need a conversation starter for your next cookout? Arrange the chicken pieces on the grill to look like a cat.

   Acupuncture ~ proving that stabbing someone can make things better.

   The Monkeypox vaccine will only be available in suppository form.

   Kicking open the bathroom stall at work after eating 4 jalapeno cheddar taquitos from the Exon Mobil gas station on my lunch break.

   When she tries to pull your pants down on the first date.

   Her: how could you sleep with her!? Him: uh, she’s hot? Her: You didn’t think about me in any of this? Him: I thought about you the whole time so I wouldn’t nut early.

   Girls in 2012: touch my butt and buy me pizza. Girls in 2022: choke me and hit me with your car.

   Dear social media platform, it’s not your job to fact check our posts. You’re a platform, not a publisher.

   T-Rex shares gender reveal party with friends, Yucatan Peninsula 66 million years ago.

   Duck cluck

   Hold up ladies and gentle fellows, a delicate genius is about to trill us with his daily regurgitative diatribe.

   Doctor: Says here you get offended by strangers on the internet. I’m writing you a prescription for two testicles.

   Happiness ~ is a cabin on 800 acres, 3 lakes, two mountains and no neighbors.

   I know it was months ago, but I still don’t like how you all acted over toilet paper.