Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

   I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

   Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

   What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

   I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

   I want to play a video game but there's no channel 3 on my computer. That's how old I am.

   Fuel prices are so high under the Biden administration, he is now suggesting we fart on our wallets for gas money.

   Some older ladies wear red hats and meet to have lunch.

   Think you're having a bad day? I sneezed while taking a piss this morning...

   If your kids keep finding the presents you've hidden, put them in the attic. Don't forget to feed them while they're up there.

   what does a fella have to do to get a beautiful girl to come home with him and check him to tumors. I just wanna be safe!

   No one wears 'Build Back Better' swag out of pride.

   Also, psychotic people wear red hats while participating in the January 6th insurrection.

   I never understood why religion would be an excuse not to get vaccinated. I never recall God ever saying "Thou shall not be vaccinated by thy doctors".

   Non-psychotic people don't wear "Build Back Better" paraphernalia, they loot, burn and kill.

   Also, never seen anyone wear a "build back better" shirt, or bombard their cars with bumper stickers. Or bombard their homes with flags. But, that's what you would expect from the non- psychotic people.

   I've never seen anyone walking around wearing a Build Back Better hat.

   I envision a country without violence, without guns or bombs, where everybody lives in peace. And then we could invade that country and take it for ourselves.

   As a certain first lady would say, merry kressmas everyone.

   Nothing says Christmas in the South like cranking up the air conditioner while waiting for the tornado warning. . .