Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a much better legal defense.

   I kinda wish the world was flat. That way I could just push off the people I don't like.

   The After Christmas Diet: Breakfast: Leftover lasagna Lunch: Leftover lasagna Dinner: Leftover lasagna Dessert: Leftover lasagna Beverage: Fresh squeezed leftover lasagna

   Now I realize why some people loves the uneducated people.

   You know how old I am? It used to be normal to order something and have to wait six to eight weeks to get it.

   I've just realized that this growing old thing , ain't for woossies

   Egg Nog gives head.

   Meery Kressmiss everyone, from the bottom of my gold-digging, porn star heart.

   Well, the people outside are frightful. And the traffic, is far from delightful. (blocking the intersection) since they got no place to go. people blow people blow people blow...

   Test driving a new Lexus, put a red bow on it & pulling into random people's driveways honking.

   My new girlfriend told me that her entire apartment was full of Monkees memorobilia. I thought she was exaggerating, but then I saw her place.

   My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge raclst, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was bIack - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

   @XplodingUnicorn If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

   Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

   My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

   can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

   Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!

   You think you can hurt my feelings? I'm an overthinker. I hurt my own feelings.

   Saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride,I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him.

   It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.