Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fashion in the 90s either looked like you hadn’t showered in weeks or like you were Tinkerbell. There was no in between.

   I tore my ACL at the Sizzler buffet

   eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

   Eighty percent of Marriage is telling the other person they snore and them saying they don't.

   I miss the days when getting tested just meant you were sleeping around.

   the best way to get over a woman is to get under another one

   It's amazing how one transgender can trigger so much hate and ignorance. Like honestly, how are people like that affecting your lives?

   Amy Schneider looks like the love child of Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble.

   Person... Woman... Man... Camera... TV....I'm a genius!

   Taxes are basically a yearly subscription to the country you live. Childhood is the Free Trial.

   It's hard to explain puns to Kleptomaniacs because they take things literally

   OK. Who is the genius that decided to call it "Toilet Paper" and not "Butt Napkins"?

   Men pick their favorite sports team when they are like 11 and let it make them upset for the rest of their life.

   RIP Bob Saget: A comic whose stand-up routine was basically a 9 year old who discovered you can say curse words when your parents aren't around.

   Autobots Roll Out, we are under attract by the evil Deltacron, leader of the Decepticons!

   Amy Schneider is a biological male. The swimmer from Penn State is a biological male. They should not be given records that were previously relegated to the ranks of biological females.

   To All Those Who Received a Book from Me as a Christmas Present....They are Due Back at the Library Today

   I just read that they're not making rulers any longer.

   Changed all my passwords to "Kenny." Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.

   Wouldn't it be funny to secretly place a sex toy in someone else's yard sale then stand back and watch the reactions.