Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

   I’m sorry our dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

   I went door-to-door today telling my neighbors I’m a registered sex offender so they’ll keep their darn kids out of my yard.

   Politician: someone who only opens their mouth to change feet.

   Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

   I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

   Vodka…deleting memories since…uhh….......

   I really cant walk the walk or talk the talk. But if you need someone to drink the drink, I'm your man.

   Figured out why woman love serial killer documentaries so much. They’re about men who are dedicated, they have a plan, and are full of surprises.

   Did you know Adam & Eve had the 1st computer? ...it was an Apple with 1 byte

   Ladies... As long as I have a face, you have a place to sit.

   Minorites "we have issues we need help with" Corporations "ok, we hear you, you want diverse MnMs

   Why do eggs come in a flimsy styrofoam containers but batteries come in a heavy plastic case you need a chainsaw to open?

   When I'm bored I lay on the kitchen floor and pretend to be a crumb

   I went to confession. Things in my life have gotten way out of hand and I mean WAY out. For penance, the priest gave me 10 Hail Marys, 10 Act of Contritions, 10 Our Fathers and a Do It Yourself Crucifixion kit from IKEA.

   I always wondered what it was that he wouldn't do for love, and now we know: he wouldn't get vaccinated.

   It's a good day in heaven, Betty White gets to have some Meatloaf.

   I just heard two lesbians arguing. One said "if you ain't cheating" let me smell your mouth...

   I'm going to honor Meatloaf by leaving work like a bat out of hell today

   We lost Meat Loaf and Louie Anderson today. They say celebrity deaths always happen in threes. Let's hope we don't have a third one. Hey, two out of three ain't bad, right?