Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know we took a wrong turn somewhere when the first thing that comes to mind is the confederate flag, when we think of Texas.

   My girlfriend left me because I'm insecure. Oh wait, she's back. I guess she just went to the grocery store.

   The same people who are pushing "Pregnant Men Emoji's" are canceling you for "Misinformation."

   It's so cold, tonight I got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches...

   New Spotify subscription: Crosby Stills Nash & Rogan

   It's a contest to see which one can can outnumber the other: Covid variants or Rocky films.

   Neil Young: So woke that he canceled himself.

   Either I just stepped in dog sh*t or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

   Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

   I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

   What do Beer producers bother with an expiration date. Who are we kidding?

   Unless the car you are driving is a Lamborghini Murcielago, then, no, your other car is not the Batmobile.

   If gas prices keep going up I’m cutting off the bottom of my car and I’m “Flintstoning it"

   My wife got in the shower with me this morning. She said “Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me”. So I put shampoo in her eyes.

   My wife just asked me for a divorce for Valentine’s Day. I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

   Ben of Ben & Jerry’s has come out with an ice cream inspired by sleepy Joe.. A carton costs $3.99 but when you include inflation, it’s $900

   Did my own taxes. I'm getting $750,000,000. Might be looking for a place in Mexico.

   A guy is walking between two skyscrapers on a tightrope. Another guy is on a date with Amy Schneider and their clothes just came off. At the same time, the guy on the tightrope and the guy with Amy have the same thought: "Don't look down."

   I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time...

   The death of Meat Loaf drew way more attention than the death of Louie Anderson. Today's society even plays favorites with fat guys.