Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

   If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

   Hi, my name's Mike. Mike Unstinx.

   I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

   IDC WHAT ANYBODY SAYS, it will always be naturally funny whenever the song Promiscuous comes on in a grocery store...

   We don't care how much money you have, how many cars and homes you own or how popular you are. Get past the dying part and then we'll be impressed.

   Happy to say that I'm losing weight like crazy! And if you want to know how I did it logout of Facebook.

   Brady has decided to remail in Florida after retirement because of the low inflation there.

   Life has to be about more than just solving problems

   Why do Troubleshooting Guides always have a resolution for every problem except the one you are having?

   My wife is a wild animal in bed. And by that I mean she's more afraid of me than I am of her.

   So Justin Trudeau has Covid. I'll bet he feels like he's been hit by a truck.

   there a tax I can pay to end Covid-19 or does that only work with Climate Change?

   Last year my friend left for Paris to go to Mime school and was never heard from again...

   I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex. Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

   This coming Wednesday, the groundhog's 6 week weather forecast will once again claim 100% accuracy while your local TV meteorologist's 5 day forecast will hover at its usual 1%.

   35% of your Facebook friends see your posts. Less than 1% react or comment. These stats don't apply to females who post swimsuit pics or b00bs. They're at 100%.

   whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

   Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chunky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

   Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.