Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

   Everyone is single. Some merely live under the illusion that a legal document, a ring and two meaningless "I do's" changes that.

   I like it thick and deep- Pizza

   People need to stop hiding behind the cloak of religious dogma and simply focus on becoming a better person.

   My Grandpa told me that he saw the Titanic. He said that he knew it was going to sink and he kept trying to tell everybody but they didn't listen. Apparently they eventually refunded his money and asked him to leave the theater.

   Does it really matter if Christ was a dark skinned man?

   When tyranny becomes law rebellion becomes duty

   My wife and I do it Doggy Style. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.

   Imagine you in heaven eatin' yo daily bread and the devil walks by with Popeyes.

   The weather is such a slut. The wind blows everyone, the rain makes everyone wet, the sun makes everyone take their clothes off, and the snow covers everyone in white stuff.

   Shout-out to Mother Nature for not giving snakes wings...

   Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue

   Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.

   The booster protects against what, now?

   Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

   It's been said we will see the Bengals in the Super Bowl when hell freezes over... Well, here we go.

   I get nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.

   Sometimes I stay awake at night wondering… How long did it take Cinderella and the Prince to realize you can’t base a relationship on shoe size.

   Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

   The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.