Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

   I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

   Now we know why Trump wants nuts on flushing the toilets 10, 11, 12 times. He was stuffing the toilets with top secret documents.

   People can't go to sleep if any of their phone apps need to be updated, but will drive their car with the check engine light on until it explodes.

   I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.

   People are dying with Covid not from Covid. Two different things...

   Seeking one-night stand... Possibly 2 because I have two lamps.

   So now we're going after FedEx drivers because we concluded they are all thieves?

   You can't fix stupid, but the red hats sure makes it easy to identify.

   Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

   Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls

   Biden figures people won't be complaining about rising gas prices or empty store shelves if they're high on crack. . .

   I was tilling the bathroom floors today and on my knees most of the day, now I feel like Kamala after a job interview.

   Do I need to show proof of vaccination to get my free crack pipe?

   Yes Amazon, I'm still watching. Stop being so insecure.

   Where do I go to get my free crack pipe. . . Asking for a friend.

   I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

   Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours? Me: The babysitter

   There are hot Shingles in your area – My Doctor

   The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.