Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There was another kidnapping at a local a school today, luckily the kid woke up!

   I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives....

   Who in their right mind would actually eat secret document paper? Has to be a fat person.

   My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.

   If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”

   I came so hard last night even Alexa had a smoke

   I have a swimmer's body: A whale.

   Why did I hate the Superbowl Halftime Show? It's exactly what you are thinking.

   I prefer Triamcinolone over Desitin for my abdominal fold rash.

   Sorry, I meant to say why does Trump keep bringing up Biden's past. Sorry for the mistake.

   Legend says that if you can't sleep it's because you are awake in somebody else's dream. So if you all could please stop dreaming about me I'd appreciate it.

   I wish there was a vaccine that would make me immune from having to hear all the whining over the Covid vaccines.

   Harvesting paper clips from work!

   I have pink eye. I got it from Floyd.

   I never realized that the toilet was a good way to get rid of the evidence.

   if roosters can start each day screaming, then damn it, so can I...

   Look at the bright side. The gas price increase is still less than the cost of a replacement battery for an electric car.

   So many people leave their bodies to science, I wanna leave my body to accounting

   With all the discounted Valentine's candy that's available, I like to call February 15th "Loner Halloween."

   I know there's definitely something wrong with me when I care more about someone getting a BJ in the Oval Office than violations of the constitution and abuse of office.