Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Donald Sterling, Solange, and Michael Sam walk into a bar,,,,who am I kidding, Donald Sterling would NEVER was into a bar with either of them.....

   Tom has a lot of space. He named his website very accurately.

   Someone should tell all the policemen, teachers, firefighters and military people that apparently the real hero's are public gays...

   I knew you were trouble when you said you didn’t drink.

   Women need to learn how to use Snapchat. It's only for sexting, I don't want to see pictures of your feet or your new perm

   Ladies: be careful if you wear spaghetti straps. It distracts us guys because it makes us think about pasta. And we will do anything to get pasta.

   Hey part-time Christians; The word of God was meant to be kept not borrowed whenever and wherever it suits you.

   You dug the hole you're in... now stop whining and start climbing.

   Heaven: mozzarella cheese Hell: cottage cheese

   Wish my Google phone had "I'm Feeling Lucky" button when I want to be the 10th caller.

   Sleeping is so old school, there's no technology involved

   The fast food strike is today. I wonder who will get my order wrong now?

   Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.

   If a woman's shorts are big enough to spell "Bootylicious" across the back, then chances are she is not.

   Weird how it’s always the women with multiple muffin tops wearing the tightest tank tops money can buy

   One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.

   I don't talk to myself. My dog is generally around.

   If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

   At some point you outgrow feelings and you outgrow people. Its nothing personal. Its part of human nature. As much as we would want it to, nothing lasts forever.

   Black guys covered in tattoos just look paisley now.