Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who cheat on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.

   I want to lose weight but I don't want to get caught up in one of those Diet and Exercise scams.

   I had to fire my fruit delivery driver. I felt bad for letting the mango but he was driving me bananas.

   I'm not giving up anything in particular for Lent. I'm just giving up.

   My loan got approved! Next week, I will be the proud owner of a full tank of gas.

   I've accepted the fact that I'll never get back to my original weight. After all, 6 lbs. 4 oz. is pretty unrealistic.

   I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing with my life. It's an Oughtobiography.

   Happy Drill Sergeant Day, otherwise known as MARCH FORTH!

   An old woman at the gym told me I looked like her late husband..... I'm hoping She meant while he was alive.

   From now on I will only accept apologies in cash

   Until my orange messiah says he doesn't like Putin anymore, me and my people will continue to love him and his actions.

   I called my doctor's office and told them I had diarrhea. They put me on hold.

   Never make snow angels in a dog park.

   Actually, officer, I prefer to think that scotch smells like me.

   It's time we stop using the term "Conspiracy Theory" and replace it with "Spoiler Alert."

   I told my wife when I said I liked it rough I didn't mean my whole life.

   I find it quite humorous how many Trump humpers watched the State of the Union.

   Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam

   I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: “You’re 24 James

   Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.