Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey gurl, are you a public school? Cuz I wanna shoot a bunch of little kids inside you.

   I would like to have sex with the first woman I ever had sex with just to show her how much better I am now. I'd be like, "Hell yeah baby, look who doesn't cry during sex anymore!"

   I learned that just because you wake up naked in your back yard after a full moon and don't remember anything it doesn't mean you're a werewolf!

   Expecting truth from corporate media is like expecting love from a prostitute. That’s not why they exist.

   Global Warming is a fictional manufactured crisis and a total scam.

   I’ve spent more time in Facebook Jail than they gave Smollett.

   Between the price of ammo, gas and lumber, being a Redneck is getting expensive.

   4 out of 5 dentists recommend sugarless gum for their patients who chew gum. The 5th one recommends wax lips.

   how do you tell the difference between a gator & a croc? gator is a mask while croc is a shoe

   Last Reminder: It's St. Patrick's Day...take down your Christmas decorations.

   YOUR WALLET: the only place our government is willing to drill..

   My "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog Roxy.

   I've always wondered if jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.

   Me and the wife and been going back and forth on our future funeral plans.....My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.

   I’m not wearing green today because I have a pinching fetish.

   How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

   I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it.

   When Air Force One flies on electricity, that's when I'll buy an electric car.

   The Irish River Dance was started by a family that had 11 kids but only 1 bathroom.

   A guy at the gas station asked the clerk for $5 on pump 3. Where is he going? Pump 4??