Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm a Mexican but not a "I own a metro phone Mexican."

   On a scale of Gary Busey to Charlie Sheen, I'm David Hasselhoff drunk right now.

   The best moments of my life when I was at my happiest, you will not find pictures of them on social media because I was too engrossed in the moment to think about taking a selfie of it.

   If you tell a cop "I can't breathe" he knows you're lying because if you couldn't breathe you couldn't talk.

   U were great when you stood for Freedom. now, you steal others Freedoms. Most effed up

   Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn't accurately describe my life I don't know what does

   All I wanted for Xmas was for the pirate bay website to come back. Is that too much to ask?

   I'm liberal but not Drive a Prius with a Coexist Bumper Sticker liberal.

   Dear Life...Would you at least start using lubricant in 2015.

   My resume is just a piece of paper that says "Please don't Google me."

   OK, here's how it's going to be....Love me or leave me...understand? Hold on.....wait.....hey....where's everybody going??

   Side chicks get the " oh yeah, happy new year." Text message today.

   I've started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.

   Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.

   FACT: Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.

   Unless you got cloned on new year's eve, please don't write: " new year, new me." It's not gonna end well.

   My Resolution was to watch less por...Damn, already blew that one.

   I still remember 2014 like it was yesterday!

   now if I can train my cat to eat dog poop, I will never have to buy pet food again

   I met my ex-girlfriend’s son today and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.