Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kamala Harris sounds like an 8 year old that didn’t read the book, but is trying to give a book report based solely on the cover.

   Jill Biden tries cocaine for the first time, says it needs more coke.

   Joe Biden wants to put coke back in cocaine, or you know, the thing.

   It's not student loan forgiveness, it's just shifting the tax burden from the borrowers to the non-borrowers.

   In other news… Elon musk is now going to also buy McDonald’s so he can fix all the ice cream machines

   Garlic bread takes any meal from a 3 to a solid 10.

   Love when the washing machine gets to the angry part, let it out girl.

   Sharks can outswim you, but you can outrun sharks. So, it all comes down to who’s the fastest cyclist.

   Eating spaghetti and my white shirt is like, “let me taste it.”

   Imagine an e-mail finding you well.

   If I ever go missing and someone puts my real weight on the poster, I’m not coming back.

   If smoking is so bad, why does it cure salmon.

   I have felt guilty for no reason since I was like 8 years old.

   Elon Musk has given a whole new meaning to the term Flipping the Bird.

   Platypuses are the only animals that produce both eggs and milk, making them portable sources of omelets

   Calm down museum man. I think it’s obvious I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

   I’ll go to bed soon. I just want to read like 4 more things that make me furious.

   If we get invaded by space aliens, I’m immediately defecting to the alien side, sorry.

   Ripping the little panties off a Reese’s is the most erotic thing you can do in your 50’s.

   Twitter employees are in a panicked full blown public meltdown.