Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your cat is a “see you in tea.”

   Nurse: You may not feel anything from the waist down. Him: Just tits then?

   How she looks at you when she wants the carrot. ~ Mr. Rabbit

   Don’t pick a fight, but if you do find yourself in one, I suggest you make damn sure you win.

   Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

   The only time he messing with you is at night? Bi!ch, you’re dating a bedbug.

   They say you are 22 times more likely to be killed by a cow than by a shark. This is true, my ex chased me with a knife once.

   If you're in a restaurant waiting for the waiter, aren't you the waiter?

   You like rap music? Who’s your favorite rapist.

   Day 712 without sex: went jogging in flip flops to remember the sound.

   Saw a store sign that read, “We treat you like family.” Well, NOT going in there.

   That mini heart attack when you can’t find spaghetti in your pocket.

   Stop looking for your soulmate and start looking for your soul, mate.

   Her: wtf… why’d you fu!c my mom? Him: You kept calling me daddy and I got confused, chill.

   Sign at the ten-minute oil change ~ “We won’t fart in your car.”

   When your girl butt dials you, but all you hear is trap music and slurping sounds.

   I may be as pretty as an angel, but I sure as hell ain’t one.

   If a 16-year old wants to adopt a child, she's not allowed by the government. She doesn't have the emotional maturity or the financial means to raise a child. But if she gets pregnant.....how does that make sense?

   Inflation: Payback for all that free Trump money. Happy weekend!

   I can relate to the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard defamation trial. Sort of. I dreamt an old girlfriend chased me around the bed with a machete after eating a box of Ex-Lax.