Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I fully intend to haunt people when I die. I have a list.

   Raisin Cookies that look like Chocolate Chip Cookies are the reason I have trust issues.

   Before you speak, ask yourself a few questions. Is it necessary? Is it funny? Will everyone understand it? Will it offend someone? Glad to help.

   I attack ideas, I don’t attack people. Some very good people have some very bad ideas. If you can’t separate the two, I suggest you find another day job.

   Are you the only one who gets it, understands it, or who thinks that your own jokes are funny? Something to consider while that jellybean rolls around in your coconut.

   I do not like your mental haze. I do not like your leftist ways. I do not like your son on blow. I do not like you Sleepy Joe.

   Nothing makes me feel older than when a restaurant makes me scan a QR code to look at their menu.

   16 Psyche is one of the most massive asteroids in the asteroid belt. It’s made of materials like gold, platinum and nickel. It’s value is estimated to be around 700 quintillion USD.

   Her: If you want me to break social distancing rules, it better be worth it. Him: I will use your coochie like an N95 mask.

   Might put the tree up and call it a year.

   In 2018, 33 researchers published their theory that octopuses didn’t originate on earth and are actually alien life forms.

   I see…. and is the “Orange Man” in the room with us right now?

   My birthday is coming up in less than a year. Just sayin'

   "Be yourself"? Don't tell me what to do! I'm gonna be someone else! Because that's who I am! Wait... What?

   Vegans have an issue with killing animals, but are a-ok when it comes to abortion.

   Each family member of a gunned down individual gets 24 hours with the culprit, they can't kill him, but they are allowed to water-board him, jam bamboo under his fingernails, you get the idea....Deterrent

   Please be careful. You may have Monkeypox and not realize it. You could be a-chimptomatic.

   I don't like to brag about expensive trips I go on but that last trip to the gas station really cost me.

   The key to happiness? Stay away from idiots.

   Need a conversation starter for your next cookout? Arrange the chicken pieces on the grill to look like a cat.