Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm adopting a healthier lifestyle, so today I parked and went inside to get donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

   Crushed feelings emergency kit: Contains one tiny violin, one stick remover (also works for corn cobs), one box of tissues, one pacifier, cookies & milk, how to scroll past things you don’t like instruction tutorial, and a sense of humor.

   Comedy died out a few years back because too many people were being offended by it.

   Any person capable of angering you becomes your master.

   This is not just a silly grin on my face, it’s a highly educated one.

   The opinion of 10,000 men is of no value if none of them know anything about the subject.

   Just because it’s a bad idea does not mean it won’t be a good time.

   Want to get back on your feet? Miss two car payments.

   No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of booze out of them at the office meeting.

   An empty browser history says more than a full one.

   Date a cat owner. They love something that doesn’t even like them back.

   There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

   I got some new underwear. Well they're new to me.

   My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

   Når verden er for stor Og stien er alt for bratt Kan du vende blikket mot Nord Selv I denne mørke natt

   Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

   I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

   Only 3 things can make me run When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer", or "The free beer is on fire”

   She will always remember this as the day she almost caught captain Jack Sparrow

   Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you’re in.