Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Customer Service: Upgrading your service? I can help you with that right away. Cancelling service? Let me transfer you to the department with a 70 minute wait time.

   Pro Tip: Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

   Valentines Day can only lead to nasty things such as herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.

   I don't always sing along to my favorite songs. But when I do, I sing along to the guitar solo as well.

   Babies: You have hidden your face and then made it appear again....this pleases me.

   My romantic life is like a Ferrari....I don't have a Ferrari.

   Bears: If people can read my thoughts, most people would think I'm the most evil person on this planet.

   The bathroom stall at any university has a bigger sense of brotherhood than any fraternity on campus. Our butt cheeks have touched the same surface, we are brothers. We are one.

   Pen Clicking: When I do it, it's fun....when you do it, it's the most annoying thing on the face of the Earth.

   My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive many times and hoping they are more brave than I am.

   it just me or you don't really realize how drunk you are until you are in a bathroom alone?

   Shoutout to ATM fees for making me buy my own money

   Women and Cats: I've never understood why women love cats. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

   Please Take Note: A Hogwarts degree isn't worth much in 2016.

   Relationship Goals: Wanna come over and nap?

   What People Care About In February: 99% -- Deadpool, 1% -- Valentines Day.

   When writing the story of your life don't let everyone hold your pen...

   I nicknamed my urethra, Franklin.

   I find it ironic that Valentines Day is abbreviated as VD

   Sad News to Report: The inventor of throat lozenges has died.... There'll be no coffin at his funeral.