Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Filled my car up with gas and tried to pay with my flexible spending card. The attendant said it can only be used for medical issues. I said the price of gas makes me sick. Apparently that doesn't qualify

   You can't sell electric cars if gas is cheap. If you don't think that's part of the plan, you're not paying attention.

   A hundred years ago everyone had horses and only the rich had cars. Now everyone owns a car and only the rich have horses.

   Trying to intentionally lose a game of Rock Paper Scissors is just as difficult as trying to win.

   I have an open marriage in the sense that I'm allowed to open my mouth as long as I don't say anything stupid

   I like to put Aunt Jemima next to the Uncle Ben in my pantry. I'm hoping for a love connection.

   If you ever need someone to look like a complete idiot in your photographs, I'm your guy.

   The word is “butter,” go spread the word.

   Martian: “Take us to your leader.” Me: No! You wouldn’t believe it.

   My wife was sad, so I showed her my boobs. Apparently, that doesn’t work both ways.

   Son: “Dad, there’s a monster in my room, can I sleep in here?” Dad: Look, it’s you he’s after, why make it my problem too.

   Me: At the cookout, asking everyone how they like their burger, before making them all exactly the same.

   When you pull up a power point presentation to show your cat how fat it is.

   When you try to swallow a pill, but it doesn’t go down and now it’s dissolving in your mouth.

   Some girls will claim “he’s my world,” but that’s your fourth “world” this month. Are you building a solar system?

   Him: you are my drug. Her: aww… you can’t live without me? Him: No, you’re expensive and you ruin my life.

   With high gas prices don't forget to tip your food delivery drivers paying for their own gas or go get it yourself.

   Need money to travel back to 1941 to give Joe Bidens dad a condom.

   If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

   The dating pool nowadays could use a little chlorine.