Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Believe in yourself, especially when no one else will. ~ Sasquatch

   War is when they tell you who the enemy is. Revolution is when you figure it out for yourself.

   If you see me in the garage practicing my nunchaku, just keep driving. I don’t want you getting pregnant.

   Just deleted everyone that I wouldn’t fist fight in a KFC parking lot. So, if you’re reading this, don’t let me catch you in a KFC parking lot.

   When she kisses you goodnight, but only on the forehead. “You forgot the pickle.”

   Life’s greatest tragedy is that we grow old too soon, and wise too late.

   The Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

   Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You’re one of them.

   Its not that I hate kids, i'm just following the instructions of every medicine bottle in my bathroom cabinet "Keep away from children"

   I sent my Family Tree into ancestry.com. They sent me back a package of seeds and told me to start over. FML.

   Mary had a bearded clam-Her pubes were white as snow-And everywhere that Mary went-She'd give the boys a show.

   Top questions you should ask seller of car. How much do you want for? How much gas is in it?🤪

   I was an atheist until I realized I was a sex god!!!!!!!!!!!

   If the "Why does the lgbt get a month, but veterans get a day" people actually cared for the military theyd know the military gets multiple days and months, also they would mention "why does the military get one day"? during any other month

   Was told that I am the cheapest man in the world, well I'm not buying it

   How to escape the matrix: Step one, turn off your television.

   Things are so bad, our leaders have admitted that UFOs exist and no one cares.

   “We need to change Washington DC from the inside.” Me: I say we blast off and nuke the entire site from orbit.

   If Satan ever lost his hair, there would be hell toupee.

   Hangovers are temporary. Drunk stories are forever.