Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You only live once, so make sure you spend 16 hours a day on the internet desperately seeking validation from complete strangers.

   IQ Test: To see results, enter your credit card number.

   64 year old man: Making love to a younger woman may be fatal…. But if she dies, she dies.

   If they can get their student loans forgiven, then I want my car loan forgiven. All loans matter.

   Her: You’re so childish, I’m leaving you. Him: Good luck with that, the floor is lava.

   Dating is a great way remind yourself that dying alone isn’t that bad.

   Her: Wtf? You barely lasted two minutes! Him: It was “Doggy Style.” So that’s like 14 minutes.

   Somebody let vegans know that their lifestyle is a lie. They consume countless insect fragments with everything they eat.

   Remember, you can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of, "bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

   Good thing I don't work at a pizzeria. I'd be walkin' around wit' garlic knots in my pocket.

   I just accidentally sat on my phone and it said it recognized my face and unlocked.

   Joe: Everyone wants to half sax with me. Staff: That’s not what FJB means.

   The CDC now recommends wearing your mask as a blindfold while pumping gas.

   When you click “accept cookies,” but then you don’t get any cookies.

   When you’re on your 8th “dam, that’s crazy,” and they’re still telling you their story.

   Her: You remind me of the sea. Him: Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting? Her: No, because you make me sick.

   Imagine the disappointment a wolf would feel if it knew its descendant would turn out to be a Pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   I’m in BIG trouble if people find out I don’t really have Tourette’s.

   If your voice held no power, they wouldn’t try to silence you.

   it technicallly underwear if its all you are wearing?