Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A patient cured is a customer lost.

   When someone asks for directions: You basically go straight that way for a while until you f*ck all the way off.

   When you unplug all the noisy beeping machines at the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.

   Apocalypse Scenario #253: Everyone just sort of gives up one day.

   Do one thing every day that scares you. Text someone first. Ask your crush to hang out. Pick a fight with a raccoon. The only one stopping you is yourself.

   Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road. Me: Sorry, I’m English. Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

   Her: So, I slept with 3 guys before I met you. Him: Omg Karen, I was only 20 minutes late.

   Ladies, it’s time to start thinking about if the guy you’re dating has post-apocalyptic warlord potential.

   Random Person: Let’s take our hearts for a walk in the woods and listen to the magic whispers of old trees. Me: Can I buy some drugs from you?

   Million dollar idea. Pizza toppings on the bottom, will call them Bottomings!

   2022 pickup lines be like: Hey baby, wanna see my bunker and check out my canned food collection?

   “Hope we didn’t need that.” Me, vacuuming.

   As a child seeing a scary movie and being afraid of the dark. As an adult seeing my electric bill and being afraid of the light.

   I can’t work today, there’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation. Boss: You can’t skip work just because the sun is out.

   How can you face your problem, if your problem is your face?

   Ladies, post your man, lets see who has the same one.

   If you’re feeling bad about how little you have achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.

   BREAKING: “Man” in critical condition after hearing a slightly different viewpoint.

   Before I get into shape, does anyone like me chubby?

   If you hate yourself, remember you’re not alone. A lot of other people hate you too.