Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’d like to thank my middle finger, for all those times sticking up for me when I needed it the most.

   You’re not really supposed to do this, but this is what I do. Me: Training a new person at work.

   Everyone agrees, when you censor the ones who don’t.

   People aren’t really mad when you say, “Let’s Go Brandon.” They’re mad because you’re having fun when they spent four years being angry and joyless.

   I’m old enough to remember when paper bags were blamed for the destruction of trees and plastic bags were the solution.

   If some guy named “Corn Pop” was real, pretty sure he would have come forward by now.

   There s another Covid strain brewing, it’s called the election strain. Make sure you chose the red candidates this November in order to stop this strain.

   Librarian: Sorry for the inconvenience, Sir. We’re in the process of moving our entire Conspiracy Theory Collection into our Non-Fiction Section.

   Sir, we don’t sell guns here. Can I interest you in one of our various cordless hole punchers?

   Separating your laundry by color is a myth created by big detergent to sell more laundry sauce.

   Welcome to McBrandon’s…. Would you like some lies with that?

   I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own, and if I get up now, I’m afraid I’ll lose their trust.

   No matter how hard you work, your boss will always arrive while you are taking a break.

   Doctor: I have your test results. Patient: Did I pass? Doctor: You will soon.

   When I’m behind a slow car, I steer my car a little to the right so people behind me can see that it’s not my fault.

   Sorry I sprayed WD-40 in your mouth, but it did stop that noise you were making.

   When people talk about traveling to the past, they worry about radically changing the present by doing something small, but no one in the present thinks that they can change the future by doing something small.

   Jurassic World is about a pharma company that uses a DNA-altering pathogen to destroy farmland and deliberately cause a worldwide food crisis to force everyone to buy their products. Science Fiction is Fun!

   If an adult has ever said “you’d make a great lawyer,” what they really meant was, that they think that you’re an “a” double dollar sign.

   Did You Know: The internet was once a fun place for watching car crash videos instead of monitoring humanity’s real-time collapse.