Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m putting a snowblower in the back of my truck and drive south until someone says, “what the heck is that?” And that, is where I’ll live.

   Putting groceries in the freezer is like Tetris, taking them out is like Jenga.

   The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.

   Anyone: “You’re so interesting to talk to! Our personalities fit so well together!” Me: Thanks, I made this one especially for you.

   I don’t usually think about what I say before I say it. I prefer to think about it after I’ve said it, late at night, for the rest of my life.

   Swine Flu is back? Just when you think something is gone forever it comes back and makes people sick.. Just like Branden

   My only real accomplishment in life is knowing all the words to "Gilligan's Island" (beginning and end)

   If the government would charge a 3% stupidity tax on themselves alone, they could beat inflation tomorrow

   I just yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short” She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it back to me"

   My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just took it.

   John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.

   The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles

   How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

   synchronized noseblowing

   At what age should you put the tonsils back in

   You can put whatever you want on a “to do” list, there are no rules. I put wake up and drink coffee on mine. Already knocked two things off my list and it’s not even lunch time yet. God, I’m good.

   If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to laugh about when you’re old.

   Cats are my favorite animal, because no matter where you fall on the food chain, a cat will smack the crap out of you.

   If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.

   Me: My dog is probably thinking about other dogs. My dog: “What was Scar’s name before he got that scar?”