Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when woman have stupid excuses, I’m tired, I have a headache, I’m on my period, I’m your cousin.

   Turned 40 today, and I can feel my idgaf powers growing and coursing through my veins.

   How come all the single ladies don’t need no man at all, but all the married men need two ladies, I’m confused.

   Why are deliveries on a ship called cargo, but in a car, it’s called a shipment?

   You wanna listen to some Pop Country, or would you rather go to China and lick some doorknobs?

   What does the sign on the out-of-business brothel say? Beat it, we’re closed.

   When someone says, stop living in the past, I say, but the music was so much better then.

   Good morning, I saw your Biden yard sign, so I know you’ll buy whatever kind of crap I’m selling.

   Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still stupid.

   Dad: Congrats! Son: Thanks, pop. I'm sure you're proud of your new grandson. Dad: I meant congrats on you finally getting Iaid.

   I’m tired of working on myself. From now on, I’m going to be unapologetically insane.

   I carry a whistle at the grocery store, in case someone tries to violate the sanctity of the 15 items or less lane.

   They’re not red flags, they’re fun facts about me.

   When you want to help people, you tell the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear.

   The happiest person in the world is probably not on social media.

   When your fart smells like death and you’re waiting for your friend to smell it.

   To the people who react to my posts daily, may your life be full of puppy kisses and kitten snuggles.

   A satisfied life is better than a successful life. Because our success is measured by others, our satisfaction is measured by our own hearts, minds, and souls.

   When they can no longer control you, they will try to control what others think of you.

   At this point, conspiracy theories might as well be called spoiler alerts.