Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 130 of 6446

My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.
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01-13-2023 02:48
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To all 6 of you who like my posts, I do it all for you.
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01-13-2023 02:46
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My kidnapers returned me after listening to me talk about conspiracy theories that were true, for two hours straight.
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01-13-2023 02:44
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Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.
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01-13-2023 02:41
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Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.
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01-13-2023 02:31
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This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.
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01-13-2023 02:27
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We often clean our homes when people are coming over so we can maintain the façade of a clean house that we’ve seen from going to other people’s homes who clean their house to maintain the façade of having a clean house.
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01-13-2023 02:23
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Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Okay, let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff, but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife comes running in from another room: IT’S SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!
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01-13-2023 02:20
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Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.
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01-13-2023 02:16
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Who knew Top Secret docs make excellent shop towels?

I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.....The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.... Feeling better today
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01-12-2023 06:04
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A man's home is his castle. UNTIL the queen comes home.
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01-12-2023 06:04
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cow: [feeling sick] I have four stomachaches
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01-12-2023 06:02
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Want to talk trash? Recycle.
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01-12-2023 06:01
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Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
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01-12-2023 06:01
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i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in January
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01-12-2023 06:01
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Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
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01-12-2023 06:00
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got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
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01-12-2023 06:00
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Bite me again – my bottom lip
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01-12-2023 05:58
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A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
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01-12-2023 05:58
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