Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   S.H.I.T......So Happy It's Thursday!...Some of you just got to get that mind out of the gutter...

   Take your red flags and turn them into coats, traitors.

   When today’s safety meeting is about what you did yesterday.

   Wife: Why is your back all scratched up? (flashback to me chasing a racoon after she told me to leave it alone) Me: I’m having an affair.

   Your spouse is the best person to share secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone, because they’re not even listening.

   Explaining bedtime to the kids: “It’s not about how tired you are, it’s about how tired you’re making everyone else.

   Son: Mom, what does “woke” mean? Mom: It’s a parents shocking realization that her kids are being taught extremist bull-crap.

   Your very existence goes against our community standards. ~ Zuck

   It’s time for the 99% of us who are not offended by everything to quit catering to the 1% who are.

   I love when people ask, “How’s a person like you single?” I’m mentally ill.

   When someone is driving like a jerk, so you look to see how dumb they really look.

   I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington's decision when he reached the Delaware.(too soon)?

   Don’t let anyone ruin your day. Be a man, ruin it yourself.

   My girlfriend and I just had an entire conversation about hair bands before she realized I was talking about Motley Crue and she was talking about scrunchies.

   I was taught to think before I act, so if I smack the crap out of you, rest assured that I’ve thought about it, and I feel confident in my decision.

   Anyone can have a wank under a sheet, but it takes skill to do it without the hairdresser noticing.

   I have a crush on 28 of you, figure it out.

   There are two kinds of people, the ones who pack six days before a trip, and the ones who wake up the day of and realize they need to do a load of laundry, and then they marry each other.

   Keep your relationship fresh by writing each other love notes like, “I considered murdering you whilst ye slumbered in yon bedchambers.”

   Someone just gave me half a peace sign, that’s weird.