Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

   My wife gives the best head-ache.

   Closest I’ve come to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop.

   If you don’t want people asking for rides again, say yes the first time but don’t show up. works everytime.

   Two secrets to keep your marriage happy.....When you're wrong, admit it, and, when you're right, shut up!

   Let us march immediately, and never lay down our arms until we obtain our independence. ~ Nathan Hale

   It's not a real relationship, until you've apologized to a locked bathroom door.

   In honor of Canada Day, I drank some Tim Horton's coffee this morning. But we still don't like your geese.

   Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

   If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

   A man is buying an apple a banana and two eggs. The cashier says, “you must be single.” The man says, “wow, that’s right, how did you know?” The cashier says, “because you’re ugly.”

   Fun Fact: The majority of archeologist are women, due to their natural ability to dig up the past.

   You technically have 2 minutes to live, but every time you breathe it restarts the timer.

   Wonder if the skulls of your enemies are dishwasher safe. Asking for a friend.

   The first symptom of Covid-19 is believing everything the media says.

   When hanging toilet paper, remember beards are cool, mullets are bad.

   I just want someone to laugh at my jokes the way that Kamala laughs at questions she can’t answer.

   The hardest part about driving a Hummer, is trying to find your wiener when you go pee-pee.

   At the store: “OMG haven’t seen you in forever! Let’s stand in everyone’s way!”

   There is no rule that says you have to get married and start a family. Normalize sharing a mansion with your five best friends and ten dogs.