Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Autocorrect makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.

   If your cup is only half full, you probably need a new bra size.

   You don’t need drugs to get high when you’ve got a 42-foot articulated bucket truck.

   Innocent child dies horrifically. Oompa Loompas: Time for a song and dance.

   Don’t forget to feed your girlfriend every couple of hours or it gets cranky.

   Kids today are soft, I died once when I was five and my mom made me walk it off.

   Home of the free because of the brave, since 1776.

   My favorite color is freedom, so light up the sky like it’s the 4th of July.

   If it involves fireworks, BBQ, and freedom, count me in. Have a Yankee Doodle day.

   Remember kids, don't play with fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all day set them off. Happy 4th of July!

   When someone gets loud with you and you’re considering unleashing every single one of your inner demons.

   When you give tourists wrong directions as a prank and then see them a week later on television gone missing.

   Listening to your friend talk about how she’s working it out with her boyfriend after you already blocked him, keyed his car and took his cat to the pound.

   When she’s using her man’s phone to check the weather and wind blows her into his inbox.

   I’m kind of glad dinosaurs are extinct. Pretty sure I’d try to keep one as a pet.

   I could really go for a pinata right about now. I’d love to beat the crap out of something and then have some candy.

   I took a girl out last night. She said, "Tell me something about you that I don't know, Carl." I said, "I forgot my wallet!"

   Boogie Boarding: An alternate means of surfing for those unable to hop up on an actual surfboard.

   No matter how bad your life is, just remember, people out there are worried about the gender of a plastic potato.

   You’ll repeat what you don’t repair.