Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m tired of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

   Friends are God’s way of apologizing for our families.

   Knowledge is like underwear; it is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

   People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

   McDonald's is making a deep fried pickle covered in a batter...they are going to call it the Mc Dill Dough.

   It's so hot, the late Jack Kevorkian's suicide machine was turned into a Slurpee machine...

   It's so hot around the barn that the barnyard pimp won't even come out and check on his little chicks.

   Black Olives Matter... Just love them right out of the can and on salads.

   Why couldn't Eve have just made Adam a sandwich like other women?

   Do you think that sand is called sand because it’s between the sea and the land?

   Egyptian babies didn’t know that one day their daddy would be a mummy. Neither did the Kardashians.

   Back in my day, there was so much toilet paper, people used to string it up in the trees of their enemies.

   Pets are weird. It’s just this thing that lives in your house and you can’t speak to each other, but you are best friends.

   Sometimes I think I’m too picky, then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.

   When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it.

   Tweaked my neck sleeping and threw my back out sneezing. I’m probably one strong fart away from complete paralysis.

   Nightmares are just free horror movies that you produce, direct, and star in.

   Cinderella must have had some strange feet if her slipper didn’t fit anyone else in town.

   Brain: I can see you’re trying to sleep; can I offer a selection of your worst memories?

   Updating my dating profile…. My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh