Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What if slugs are just snails that have gone through a divorce. “Yep, she got the house.”

   Don’t judge me because I’m quiet, no one plans a murder out loud.

   Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.

   The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.

   Maybe if we all email the Constitution to each other the damn Government will read it.

   Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

   I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

   A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

   2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic Unbooblievable

   A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

   I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

   Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

   Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

   Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?, I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

   One day You Tube, Twitter and Facebook will be joined together and be called, You-twit-face.

   Drinking 8 cups of water seems impossible, but 8 cups of coffee goes down like a chubby kid on a seesaw.

   When people ask, “Do you have a bathroom?” No, we pee in the yard.

   Choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will always find an easy way to do it.

   I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.

   Sometimes I wonder if all this is happening because I didn’t forward that e-mail to ten people.