Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was watching a TV Show about the Top Ten ways to avoid a shark attacking. I'm surprised "stay out of the water" wasn't one of them.

   If your girl says 'keycat' instead of 'cat' you're probably going to jail...

   Who thinks Monkeypox is the government's next excuse to take away more of our freedoms?

   Your handwriting is just your hand’s accent.

   The two e’s in bee might actually be silent.

   I grew up with six siblings. That's how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom.

   How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

   I never forget a face; but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

   As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.

   I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

   Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

   Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.

   The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.

   Start every phone call with "Hey, my phone is about to die...". That way you can hang up on tem any time.

   It’s sad that having real ingredients in food products is a selling point.

   A word to the wise isn’t necessary, it’s the dumb ones that need the advice.

   When I find myself in times of trouble, Julie Andrews comes to me, singing words of wisdom, do re mi.

   Dumped a pack of M&M’s in my mask and I’m slowly eating them like a horse.

   The older I get, the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.

   Finally got 8 hours of sleep, it only took 3 days or whatever.