Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

   I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

   I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

   The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

   A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

   Love conquers all things, except poverty and a toothache.

   The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

   Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.

   If you want to look thin, hang out with fat people.

   Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

   The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

   do you think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

   It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

   Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

   Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

   I’m not so much 50 as I am 5 10-year-olds held together by ibuprofen, Ben-Gay, and weed resin.

   Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

   I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

   "I didn't say I was going to Taiwan. I said I was going to 'tie one on'." -Nancy Pelosi

   Not seeing a single action figure at the adult toy store.