Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Instead of a sign that says "Do not disturb", I need one that says, "Already disturbed. Proceed with caution". 
Had to go outside and think its so cold out here my hands are starting to free
My wife accused me of being a transvestite so I packed her stuff and left
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a constant whining noise. They removed my wife from the car and it's been quiet ever since.
Save $ decorating your Christmas tree well at the same time confusing your WiFi by placing Aluminum foil in the Paper shredder. Viola Tinsel and sketchy reception.
A condom is a diaper for your privates
If I ever get married, I'm thinking it will be closed casket
Just got my wish list returned from Santa. The note attached said, "LMBO... NO!
The air outside feels like a Newport menthol 100
Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don't work, and the other half aren't so bright. 