Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before you lend someone money, hug them. Might be the last time you ever see them.

   A cop pulled me over and said "Your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?" I said "Your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating donuts?" We both laughed and laughed. And now I need money for bail.

   If you don't want the truth, don't ask me. If you want something sugarcoated, go eat a donut.

   I'm at the point in life where the hottest text I get is: "Your prescription is ready for pick up"

   When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.

   I'd love to sit here and have a battle of wits with you, but it appears you have come unarmed

   I hate when people say "Act like an adult". Have you seen adults lately? That's horrible advice!

   I took my daughter to work on "Take your kid to work day". But when we walked in she started to cry. As concerned staff gathered round, I asked her what was wrong. And she said, "Dad, where are all the clowns you said you work with?"

   They say "the machines of the future" will be as smart as people. Okay, but which people? Because that makes a huge difference.

   Before the Internet, most people thought villages only had one idiot. We sure as heck did not have that right.