Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: the dishwasher is broke. It's time to get a new one. Me: There's nothing wrong here. You look fine to me.

   Apparently, I can't nickname my coworker 007 for having 0 skill, 0 motivation, and taking at least seven breaks a day. If you need me, I'll be in HR.

   Amazon's customer service strategy is simple. Here's your refund. Leave us alone!

   And scientists are also studying me to figure out how I am so handsome.

   Scientists are studying gary2.0s humor to determine how a joke can miss the target by that much.

   Gary’s sense of humor is so dry it could dehydrate a cactus.

   Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor. Banks what is your problem?

   Marriage tip: Randomly ask your husband, "Do you notice something different about me?" This will keep him hyper-vigilante as he is forced to think about you, and he doesn't have time to look at other women.

   I remember when I was a kid you could go to the store with $1 and come home with three bags of chips, two candy bars and a cold drink. Now, they have cameras everywhere.

   Accidentally called Alexa "Siri"... And now the thermostat is set to 90 and I can't unlock my doors or Windows.