Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid we didn't have Facebook. We had a drunk uncle.

   Ok, I'm ready for rich people problems. I've mastered broke people problems, so I'd like to move to the next level please.

   Whoever lost the iPhone 17 in front of Walmart this morning, STOP CALLING MY NEW PHONE !!!

   Strangely the guy who invented the Ferris wheel and the guy who invented the Merry Go Round never met. Apparently they traveled in different circles.

   Thanks to the people that walked into my life and made it better. And thanks to the ones who walked out and made it amazing.

   If a liar's pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.

   A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said, "Thank God for that. What are they?"

   Happy Thanksgiving ya turkeys!

   Technically, your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.

   A dolphin is just a fish with a better PR team.