Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't wait to retire so I can get up at 6 and go drive around really slowly and make everyone late for work.

   Stop trying to please people that already don't like you. Instead embrace the idea of being the most annoying person in their lives.

   I have a question, can you contact me at aim-duque15@m.spheremail.net ? Cheers!

   Hello, I would like more information about this. Kind regards, aim-duque15@m.spheremail.net

   People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse".

   All I do is work, sleep, and eat. And I'm still broke, sleepy, and hungry.

   If I make you breakfast in bed, all I need is a simple, "Thank you". Not all this, "How did you get into my house?" nonsense.

   Random tip: If you fill a pinata with ketchup, you never have to host a children's birthday party ever again!

   There are roughly 700,000 people having sex at any given moment. Meanwhile, I'm practicing how to kiss a girl with wild raccoons.

   Marriage tip #9: When your wife spills something and makes a mess, don't offer to clean it up. She will realize that there are consequences to her actions, and she will grow as a person because of it.