Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The book on marriage says, "Treat your wife like you treated her on the first date". So after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents house.

   The last time I had faith in the news was when it was with Huey Lewis.

   I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work. Thankfully I was at work.

   I grew up a stones throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries

   Work is like a browser: 20 tabs open, 5 frozen, and you have no idea where the music is coming from.

   I hate when I'm on Facebook and I'm rudely interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield.

   The waiter at the Mexican restaurant called me "amigo". Am I in a gang now?

   10 million people share the same birthday as you. How special does that personalized horoscope feel now?

   The reason that partakers of marijuana tend to enjoy Hostess® and Little Debbie® snack-cakes is because they're 'baked goods.'

   My wife's New Year's resolutions: 1. I will not nag my husband. 2. I will not boss my husband around. 3. I will obey my husband's every command.