Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   out of order until further notice. We apologize for the inconvenience.

   My alarm clock and I had a fight. It wanted me to get up, I refused. Things escalated. Now I'm awake & it's broken. Not sure who won the fight

   somewhat skepitical you're laughing out loud as much as you claim.

   ™ is a registered trademark. All unauthorized reproduction and distribution will lead to prosecution.

   Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.

   thinks copy and paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy and paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy and paste is the greatest...

   Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

   so who has actually used trigonometry since they left school?

   forgot to pick up candy so it looks like I'll be passing out old VHS tapes, colored socks, #2 pencils, some paper clips, and a pack of tighty wities.

   wonders if the person that keeps using the N word realizes its not color orientated. Sounds like he could be one himself!

   loves the Snooze button on his alarm clock because there is nothing like starting out your day with a little procrastination

   if you are 17, and still dressing up and coming to my house for Halloween, you sure as hell better say "Trick or Treat" and "Thank You" like the little kids do.

   8 beers have been taken by parents in my annual Trick or Beer giveaway. The walking parents are thirsty, and appreciative, tonight!

   OK Apparntely it's "Illeagal" to cover yourself with blue body paint and put on a pair of smiley face boxers and walk around Walmart claiming to be a giant bag on Halloween!

   You know times are tough when you go trick or treating and a guy is handing out his resume

   wondering why no matter how hard you pinch the skin on your elbow, it doesnt hurt. I know your trying it now arent you?

   Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

   Live like a kindergartener, you dont have to have the coolest clothes or hottest girlfriend you just have to have the biggest box of crayons

   yay! ive got mail! yay! do you got mail?! ive got mail! yay!

   GREAT! Only 7 more days left of viewing pictures of kids dressed as beggars!