Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Silly Balloon Boy Dad. The only way you can get away with lying to the American people and toying with their emotions is to be a politician.

   hopes this Halloween, he doesn't end up with a bag full of restraining orders again.

   ...Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

   ...If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

   ..Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

   ...If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

   hopes that after I die, people will say of me: "Man... that guy sure owed me a lot of money."

   ...To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

   ...can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

   it's not the size of the wave that counts, it's the motion of the ocean

   wants to remind you that only dead fish go with the flow

   hasn't had his coffee this morning so don't make me kill you

   asks: It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations.

   :What's black and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre...

   misses the days of jumping on the hose at the gas station to make the bell ring. Full service was the best.

   my wife said I need more calcium in my diet.. she then proceeded to knock my teeth down the back of my throat!!!!

   waited long enough with his pants down waiting for Google Earth to take a pictur

   so easy even a cave man can do her.

   wonders if chickens don't have fingers, why do they still sell them in resturants?

   rejected to be the 5th Ninja Turtle.