Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I go down to the Home Depot and pick up day laborers in my truck just to have people to drink with. Hop in, amigos. It's Miller time.

   increasing his carbon footprint so that it is visible from space.

   running with scissors and playing with matches...

   wonders how skinny he would be if he had to pedal to keep the computer on.

   calculating pi but can't seem to make it past sugar cream

   contributing to global warming by breathing as he rides his bike to school...some conservationist!

   kissed a girl, and he liked it...and blames Katy Perry for his imprisonment. She didn't say anything about asking permission.

   a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect

   News update! "Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery!"

   I want a new Drug. One that won't hurt my head. One that won't make my mouth too dry. Or make my eyes too red

   stuck in the moment - well it is actually more like wedged. I think I may need an advanced escape maneuver. So glad I have that Special Forces training to fall back on in these situations.....

   will write you a love song unlike that Sara Bareilles b**ch

   just Googled his Twitter all over your Facebook

   : Aspire to Inspire before you Expire!

   You're not invited to the party in my pants because you don't know the difference between your and you're.

   just saved alot of money on his car insurance by threatening his agent with a golf club!

   versatile..........put him in any position and he will always perform

   now friends with Mili Vanilli

   thinks you should know that you don't HAVE to be crazy to be my friend...but it helps!!

   ...Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm...