Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What did the blonde get on the I.Q. test? Nail varnish.

   Eating at KFC makes me feel sluggish, a little slow, and my eyes are droopy. I think it might be Double Down syndrome.

   I bought a cheese grater for Stevie Wonder. He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.

   It is hard to believe someone is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in their place.

   Men..can't live with them..can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors getting suspicious.

   Thank You Mr. Edible Underwear Maker: You combined two of mans favorite things Panties and Food. They're a snack, they're underwear, they're a snack AND underwear. Brilliant! Nothing says, "I want you" like a mouthful of underpants!!!!

   THE lOHANS ARE BETTER THAN ANY FAKE REALLITY SHOW!!

   I Dont know what annoys be worse?!! The viral fake group chain messages I get in my FB inbox or the Fact that some of you Dummies respond to them like your gonna get a Reply Back!!!

   Back before clocks and calendars I bet people used wonder why one day out of seven always sucked

   Comparing Sarah Jessica Parker to a horse is insulting and lame. Horses are majestic, beautiful creatures unworthy of your contempt

   This isn't quite what I wanted to be when I grew up, but it was the best I could do on such short notice.

   I am embarrassed for my co-workers. I am the only person in the building who remembered to wear a toga today.

   I'm so confused, I thought the Crip Walk was a marathon for gang members

   Awww! Isn't that sweet. Everyone's so in love... excuse me while I regurgitate.

   An Iranian cleric is blaming earthquakes on promiscuous women. He's only partially correct. For the ground to move, she needs to be on top.

   Facebook people often post things far too personal. That occurred to me while in line at the druggist getting Anusol.

   can't wait til Chad Johnson gets kicked off of Dancing with the Has-Beens so I don't have to read peoples' status updates about him...

   players never die, they just try their luck at a different table

   waiting for Pam Anderson to fall out of her dress on DWTS!!

   If you watch the Lord of the Rings backwards, it's about a little guy who gets a cool ring from a volcano and spends the rest of the time walking home.