Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to google maps there is no such place as Cougar Town, this show is so full of $hit.

   Don'T write HAPPY BIRTHDAY on my wall...Just send ur gift to this address!!

   If I was an apple product, the name for me would be "iPlease"

   Alcohol was my dad's answer to everything. He didn't drink. He was just lousy at quizzes.

   ''Viva La Rasa''..what the hell have I just said!

   My new study method for finals is put a question on the outside of a beer bottle and the answer at the bottom

   What is a wedding tragedy?. . . To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money!!

   Dear Patron, now that you helped me gain my confidence, can you please help me find my car?

   Justin Bieber should be treated like AM radio and nobody should ever listen to them...

   The guy driving in front of me is totally following me...

   Life without chocolate is like a beach without water.

   thinks that the Waltons take way too long to say good night!

   ...is wondering if some other horse went all "Tonya Harding" on former Derby favorite Eskendereya... 

   Weekend - you teased me! I was so enjoying you and then you went away. Come back. I miss you. (*sob, sob*)

   Did you say photographic memory or pornographic memory? I have one of those.

   How come when a man doesn't shave for a few days, it's considered "sexy stubble" but when a woman doesn't shave for a few days it's "disgusting or looks like she's got Buckwheat in a headlock"?

   my son informed me this morning that they no longer call it "Old School". It's now known as "Lame". If he wasn't my kid, I'd have thrown my Walkman at him....

   so smart she makes smart people feel retarded.

   went undrafted again, despite a solid 40 and great hands!!

   What can a lawyer do that a duck can't? Stick it's bill up it's arse.